One and Done: Handling Pressure to Have Another Child

Do you consider yourself "one and done," but receive relentless backlash for it? Is there any research on kids needing to have siblings as they grow, or is it totally fine to choose to have only one child and still have a fulfilling life as a family?

Societal pressure to have multiple children is never-ending. If you have a boy, people will ask when you're going to try for a girl. If you have a girl, people will try to convince you that your little family won't be complete until you have a boy. That pressure comes from all facets of society: family members, friends, television shows, social media, and so-called parenting experts. But what if having multiple kids just isn't something you're interested in pursuing?

What is "one and done"? 

Being one and done means choosing to have an only child. Many parents decide that their first child is going to be their only child, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the emotional and mental impact of societal backlash against only children can be difficult for parents to process. Many parents deal with criticism from friends, family, and even complete strangers when they choose to have one child.

What Research Says About Only Children

If you're worried your child will miss out without a sibling, the research is reassuring.

You're also far from alone. In 1976, 11% of US mothers at the end of their childbearing years had one child. By 2014, that share had doubled to 22%, according to Pew Research Center.

The stereotype of the lonely, socially awkward only child doesn't hold up well. A 2004 Ohio State University study found that kindergarten teachers rated children with siblings a little higher on social skills, and the lead researcher called the difference "modest." When Ohio State researchers later looked at more than 13,000 middle and high school students, classmates picked only children as friends just as often as kids with brothers and sisters. The researchers suggested that school and activities give kids plenty of chances to build social skills along the way.

Siblings are one way kids learn to share and get along. Playdates, daycare or preschool, cousins and neighborhood friends give your child that practice too.

Everyone Feels The Need To Comment On Only Children 

When people observe single-child families, oftentimes they will make disparaging comments about a parent having an only child. People make it seem like having more babies is the ideal, and having a small family (or a large family) isn't the best decision-making.

However, parents should feel confident in their choice to have as many children as they desire. Not everyone wants to have multiple kids, and not everyone is able to have more than one child. The emotional and mental impact of struggling with secondary infertility or feeling nervous about the emotional toll of parenting more than one child is enough to make many people question whether they can successfully parent more babies.

Strangers might not realize what a person is going through when it comes to considering more kids. Factors such as economic uncertainty, lack of familial support, being a single mom (or dad), having children with special needs, the high cost of living, the desire for financial freedom, and postpartum mood disorders are some unseen facets of choosing to have just one kid.

Even if you and your partner ultimately choose one and done status, parenting can still be rewarding, joyful, and fulfilling. Don't let another person pressure you into thinking there is something wrong with having one kid.

How to Answer "When Are You Having Another?"

You don't owe anyone an explanation, but it helps to have a few answers ready:

• Short and warm: "We're really happy with our family the way it is."
• A friendly boundary: "That's something we keep between the two of us."
• A little humor: "We got it right the first time."
• For relatives who keep asking: "We've made our decision, and we'd love your support."

If you and your partner are still deciding, agree on one simple line you'll both use, so neither of you gets cornered at a family dinner. And if the question stings because you've been trying for another baby, or because of a loss, it's okay to say so, or to change the subject.

Here are some (very valid) reasons why some parents are happy with one child: 

Your Child Requires More Care

Raising multiple children also takes time and patience. Some kids are born with special needs, physical and mental. It is not easy for the mother and father to divide their attention between a special needs child and more babies.

If your first child is born with special medical needs, that might force you and your partner to put special consideration into bringing more kids into the world. Some families decide that their focus needs to remain on their one child, to make sure all of their needs are taken care of.

Your Family Feels Complete With Only One Child

There is no rule to say women in motherhood cannot have joy in life unless they have more than one child. Believe it or not, pregnancy and motherhood are not easy on women, and the idea of going through that experience more than once might be too much for a mother to handle.

If you have decided your family feels complete with one child, that is perfectly fine. Your son or daughter doesn't need siblings in order to live a happy life filled with joy and fun. Sometimes, a parent will feel that the family is complete with just one baby.

Family And The Impact Of Financial Stress

Aside from the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy and parenthood, the worry about finances can also be another reason that families choose to be "one and done."

Giving your child a sibling might add too much financial stress on the family, especially if your family structure is based on a single income. Not everyone can afford to have lots of kids. Even if you want another son or daughter, it might not be economically wise to bring a new baby into the world. Having the self-awareness to consider the economic impact of children is an admirable quality in parents.

You Don't Love Being Pregnant Or You Experienced Some Kind Of Birth Trauma

Being pregnant isn't always easy for a mother. From her changing body, to the overall exhaustion, to other pregnancy-related ailments, a difficult pregnancy for a mom might be enough to deter women from having another baby.

Similarly, if a mom experiences some sort of traumatic labor or birth, they might feel like having another child is not an option. Advanced maternal age might also be a factor in giving your child siblings. Some women worry that if they've experienced one difficult or traumatic moment during labor and birth, the same thing might be repeated with future babies. If a past birth was traumatic, talking it through with your OB-GYN or a therapist can help you decide what feels right for your family.

Your Partner Doesn't Want More Children

Not all couples agree on the amount of kids they want to have. One-child families are far more common than they were a generation ago. Your husband or wife might decide that they only want one kid, and having more children isn't something they want. Parents can live a happy, joyous life being one and done.

The Mental Health Aspect of Parenting

Although people are hesitant to talk about it, the mental health aspect of parenthood is an important factor in deciding whether to have an only child. From difficult pregnancy mood swings to postpartum mood disorders to the overall stress and anxiousness that comes with life as parents, many only-child families are due to the desire to protect the overall mental health of mom and dad.

Even if your husband or wife wants another baby, it is completely acceptable to say that you cannot be a parent of more than one child because of the mental health aspect of giving your child a sibling.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious or low during pregnancy or after having a baby, you don't have to figure it out alone. Talk to your doctor, or contact the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It's free, confidential and open 24/7 by phone, text or chat, in English and Spanish. Partners and family members can reach out too.

Being a one-and-done family is perfectly fine in today's day and age. 

Many parents live happy, fulfilling lives being "one and done." If you want to only have one kid and not give your child a sibling, that is perfectly acceptable. The financial, physical, and mental toll of having another kid can play a huge role in families deciding how many children to have.