Is Middle Child Syndrome Real? Exploring Characteristics and Effects of Being a Middle Child in Today's World

Chances are, if you're a parent or are part of a big family, you've heard the term "middle child syndrome." Typically this phrase is used in a negative context, but is there anything inherently bad about being a middle child?

There really isn't much research to prove that being a middle child has lasting, harmful effects on kids, but being in the middle can be particularly challenging for some children. First off, although this isn't a real "syndrome" in a medical sense, middleborn children often share traits and experiences in life.

A middle child might feel overlooked or neglected, or face a lot of pressure to fit in to differing age groups. A middle child might be torn between relating to, and wanting to spend time with, an older sibling - while still missing the joy and carefree nature of being younger.

However, it's important to remember that not every middle child will exhibit the same characteristics. Parenting style, family dynamics, and individual personalities all play a big role in how a middle child grows and develops and whether or not they feel some of the commonalities of middle child syndrome. 

Understanding Middle Child Syndrome

"Middle child syndrome" is a term typically used to describe the developmental phenomenon that some middle children may experience - and it's usually not pleasant.

Although it is not a real “syndrome” or mental health condition, it is a way to describe a unique set of characteristics that some middle children may exhibit. Middle child syndrome is not a diagnosis, but rather a way to understand the experiences of middle children that is different than being the youngest child or oldest child.

The Birth Order Theory

The birth order theory suggests that the position in which a child is born might affect their personality and life outcomes.

For instance, middle-born children tend to have certain characteristics that differ from first and last born children, and everyone in between.

The theory has been criticized for many reasons, including the lack of control for variables such as age, race, and socioeconomic status, and how these might have a greater impact on family relationships and dynamics than simple birth order.

What Are Some Characteristics of Middle Children That Make Them Unique?

Middle children are often exactly that - in the middle - of issues in family dynamics. Often described as natural mediators, middle children tend to avoid conflict and seek to maintain peace in their family. A middle child will often become a peacemaker between younger siblings and older siblings, but because they tend to dislike conflict, they can also easily not get the attention from parents that they need and deserve.

Middle children are often known for their ability to compromise and find common ground between different perspectives, using their unique perspective to help older or younger siblings get along better. This is something all parents can praise!

Even though a middle child might be praised as being a peacemaker in the family, they may struggle with feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem due to being sandwiched between their older and younger siblings. Many middle children report not being seen by their parents, who are distracted by the needs of younger children or the stresses and busy schedules of older children.

Research suggests that middle children are more likely to be more open-minded and flexible than their siblings. Of course, this isn't true for all middle children. It's tough to say what we can pin on birth order, and what traits might be due to other factors.

Middle children characteristics that are commonly observed:

1. Feeling overlooked by family members

Middle children can feel overlooked because their parents are distracted by the developmental needs of their siblings and the family’s changing needs and resources. They can feel like their parents pay more attention to their younger or older siblings. 

If your middle child is feeling overlooked, try coming up with some simple ways to celebrate their unique accomplishments. Hang up their sports photos or display their trophies, plan one-on-one activities like getting ice cream or going to see a movie, or spend time helping them redecorate their bedroom to reflect their changing interests and passions.

2. Always trying to keep the peace in the family

A middle child can literally feel "in the middle" both by birth order and figuratively, in the middle of sibling arguments. They might turn into the family peacemaker, or feel forced to choose a side between the youngest child and oldest child. This immense pressure can cause a sense of unease if parental attention isn't divided evenly among the kids.

Make sure that your middle child doesn't feel forced into this role. You can help combat these feelings by doing plenty of activities that encourage family bonding and strengthen relationships between family members. Maybe that means going on a nightly walk after dinner, going on a family hike on the weekends, doing Friday movie nights, or planning more "staycation" type traveling.

3. A strong desire for independence

If a child feels overlooked by their parents or caregivers, they might become independent and have difficulty asking for help when they need it. Because they are often overlooked, they might learn to do a lot of things for themselves, creating a fiercely independent and self-reliant personality.

Parents should take care to make sure all the children feel like they can ask for help, no matter where they are in the birth order. Make sure your kids know you will always provide for their needs.

4. Feeling like they don’t fit in anywhere

A child in the middle of the birth order might struggle to find where they belong, both in their own family and amongst their friends and peers at school. As a parent, do your best to celebrate each of your kids' personality traits, skills, talents, and what makes them different and special! Self-esteem and self-confidence is vital for a child's mental health growing up.

Doing family activities, like games and crafts, can also help a middle child feel like they fit in more. Try to choose activities that everyone in the family can participate in.

5. Overly competitive

One commonality among many middleborn children is that they seem overly competitive, probably due to the feeling of always having to compete for their parents' time and attention. Middle kids might have a hard time getting the attention they crave from their parents or siblings, causing them to become very competitive by nature. Parents can try to downplay the need for competition by celebrating each child's unique personality and skills.

6. Relating more to people older or younger than them

A middle child might have a hard time relating to kids their age, because they usually latch on to their younger sibling or older sibling. Because of family dynamics at home, they might relate better to older or younger kids at school or in extracurricular activities. The child might act much more mature (or immature) than their actual age.

7. Friendly

Middle children can be more social and have good social skills. It's important for parents to nurture this aspect of their personality, as it will help them fit in more easily with their peers.

The Impact of Middle Child Syndrome

Effects on Adults

Ever wonder what a middle child is like as an adult? Being a middle child can affect your attachment style in relationships in adulthood, leading to either extreme independence or co-dependence. Middle children may feel more negative things about themselves and be more sensitive to rejection.

They may also struggle with working with others and feeling like they don’t belong. This is why it is so important for parents to recognize some of the issues that a middle child might face, and work hard to protect their mental health even in childhood.

Effects on Relationships with Older and Younger Siblings

Middle children sometimes have more distant relationships with their parents and family. They may be less likely to feel close to their mothers compared to firstborns and the "babies" of the family.

Middle children are also more likely to turn to their siblings than their parents in times of distress.

How Your Parenting Style Can Combat "Middle Child Syndrome"

Here are some tips for making sure all of your children feel loved, despite birth order:

• Find support outside of your family to help deal with the stresses of each age and stage.

• Journal about your parenting worries or struggles.

• Set boundaries with yourself: make sure you spend as much time with your middle child as you do other children.

• Take care of yourself! Being a parent of three or more kids means your time and attention are often going in so many different directions. Practice self care when you can, and protect your own mental health.

• Celebrate each child's unique personality traits.

• Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.

Preventing Middle Child Syndrome in Children

Regardless of your family dynamics, it does seem that birth order matters - at least a little. Some middle children grow up happy and carefree, while others struggle with fitting in.

Therapy can help a middle child understand how their past experiences affect who they are today. Therapists can give your child advice on how to resolve conflict, express memories and feelings related to upbringing, gain self-confidence, accept who they are, and respect their journey.

The Role of Parents in Shaping Middle Child Syndrome

Parents may be more hands-off with middle children, which can lead to less involvement and reduced one-on-one interaction with that child.

Middle children may feel like they don’t get enough attention from both parents. Middle children, compared to other siblings, might not get as much attention from their caregivers because they are sandwiched in between other kids in the birth order. No matter your parenting style, middle children might feel that they have to compete for parents' time and attention - through both positive and negative behaviors.

Parents can play a crucial role in shaping their middle child’s experiences and helping them develop positive personality traits.

Is "middle child syndrome" a problem? Only if you let it!

Middle child syndrome is a questionable "condition" that suggests birth order affects a child's personality and life outcomes. While there isn't currently substantial evidence to support the idea of a problematic middle child syndrome, it can still be a useful way to understand the shared experiences of middle children. By recognizing the potential effects of birth order, parents and caregivers can take extra steps to promote positive development and well-being in all of their children, nurturing their growth with love and respect.